Oxytocin, the Love and Connection Hormone

I’ve been thinking a lot about oxytocin lately, noticing and researching how it shows up in our lives, those of my clients, and in my life in particular.

Oxytocin is a super important hormone, designed to bond us deeply, it helps us feel close, safe, open and protective of the people we love.

Oxytocin is not just something we release while breastfeeding, or in peak sates of pleasure, you can also notice it in small, more ordinary moments. A long hug, a quiet cuddle, having your hair stroked, running your hand through your partner’s chest hair, a lingering kiss. 

In my own life, these activities directly calm my nervous system, increase my focus on my physical sensations (anchoring my body mindfulness) and bring me back into connection. I can feel oxytocin in my body as a very specific fluttering sensation, mainly in my heart and throat area, something I began to notice a lot when breastfeeding my children quite some time ago now. To me, it is the sensation that signals love. 

These small ordinary moments are part what John Gottman calls ‘Bids for Connection’. Small gestures that quietly build what I think of as the relational bank account. Like putting something aside for safekeeping. You’re not fixing anything, no goal in mind, just turning towards your partner or friend, adding to trust and closeness over time. This bank balance creates a safety net for times of stress, busyness and distance.

( Note- not all bids for connection are physical, They include small, everyday attempts to gain another person's attention, affection, or emotional support. These bids can be verbal, like asking a question or sharing a thought, or non-verbal like a smile, a touch, or a shared look. Responding positively to these bids helps build trust and intimacy, while ignoring them makes for emotional distance. Our phones are real problems, as we miss or ignore many bids for connection when looking down at our screens-more on this another time.)

I notice that when these small oxytocin building moments are missing, such as when I am away from my boyfriend for a while, I can feel distant or distracted, or just not that interested in connection. Nothing dramatic, just a subtle pulling away that makes me feel like ‘I don’t need this guy’. But humans DO need each-other, for connection and more. We are deeply social, relational beings, and as women, this is literally part of our design. Oxytocin, especially through women facilitated by oestrogen, is literally a building block of family, community and culture. Men of course release oxytocin too, but they tend to have less fluctuations in oestrogen ( yes men produce oestrogen too, in a careful balance with testosterone)

Seeing this pattern of low oxytocin in myself, post menopause, and feeling that flat, drab feeling in my system, I now more actively and consciously move towards my partner in affection. In those small bids for connection, I can literally feel my energy shift towards him. There’s a release of feel-good neurochemistry, a softness and warmth that I love to drop into, and a circulation of loving energy through my body and his. When I lean in, in connection,  I have more agency around how I feel and can make sure our relationship is maintained, and continues to develop. 

The effects of oxytocin in our body only last a few days. This is especially evident in midlife as oestrogen levels drop, as oxytocin is modulated by oestrogen. After menopause, oxytocin levels generally decrease, contributing to symptoms like mood swings, anxiety, irritability, reduced ability to care, perhaps reduced intimacy, sleep issues, and emotional detachment. 

Low oxytocin can show up as less desire, resentment, more stress, feeling like you no longer give a fuck about things that used to be so important to you, or sex that feels a bit flat. For women still in their fertile stage, oxytocin levels naturally peak around ovulation when oestrogen is highest, linking hormonal fluctuations to mood and social behaviours, and drop at the end of the cycle, near her bleed, when perhaps she needs a bit more care. 

Whether in peri and post menopause, or for women at the end of their cycle, lower levels of oxytocin can be quite noticeable change in feelings of connection. Oestrogen supports oxytocin production and receptor sensitivity, so as it drops, the body doesn’t access that bonding chemistry as easily and you may find you just don’t have those rose coloured glasses on anymore. 

Connection itself doesn’t disappear, but it does need deliberate tending. Not just by women but by their partners, too.

Small moments add up. It doesn’t have to be grand, romantic gestures, though these can be great circuit breakers. Leaning in for a extra few seconds in a hug with total presence, a 30 second kiss, a hand that stays a little longer- or pulls you towards them, all these things can genuinely keep a relationship healthy. 

For an even stronger boost of feel good connection, I ‘prescribe’ breast massage and nipple play for my female clients and couples who are having a troubles connecting in their intimate relationship.

Breasts are absolutely incredible zones of intimacy. Nipple stimulation (done the right way) involves a neuroendocrine reflex that releases oxytocin from the pituitary glad. It’s one of the most potent pleasure bonding activities that can take you to an altered state, a kind of high that I have termed ‘The Breast Portal’

I work with many clients where their relationship has slipped into a roommate kind of energy, or there is such high stress that the connection is being undermined, and no sex and intimacy is happening. Stress blocks intimacy more than any other state. In some people there is even a strong aversion to touch. Introducing these simple moments of connection can quietly change a lot. Not expecting or forcing sex, but building small steps towards togetherness, many times through the day and week. Pretty quickly, closeness can feel good and safe again, without forcing anything. 

I have a simple yet powerful coaching process for such couples, but a willingness of both parties to ‘move towards’ their partner and lean in, is absolutely essential. You’ve got to want to repair for things to heal. If you’re ready for intimacy and connection, which will lead to much more satisfying sex, reach out via my free initial call where we can discuss what’s going on for you/ you both, and how my work can help you move forward.