The Bristle Reaction- when there is an aversion to touch

What is the Bristle Reaction and what can be done to shift it?

This term was coined by relationship therapist Vanessa Marin and without having heard it before, I imagine many of you know exactly what I am referring to. And I have to say from the get-go, that although this may be more common in women it is very much apparent in men too. 

So, your partner leans in for a hug or a kiss, or puts a hand on your back, and instead of relaxing into it, welcoming the physical intimacy, your body tightens slightly. The reaction is subtle and often goes unnoticed, almost automatic. Just enough that you notice yourself pulling away inside, a bracing like a little wall has been put up.

It’s confusing, because you do love them and you do want closeness. And yet your body is reacting as if something is off.

The bristle reaction, or an aversion to touch, isn’t in itself a diagnosis of anything, and it isn’t a flaw, it’s more a reaction of the nervous system. It’s a pattern that shows up, more often in long-term relationships, when touch slowly starts to carry more meaning than we realise.

For many long term couples who have lived with another for many years, much of the physical affection they give and receive only happens in the lead-up to sex. Over time, the body learns that association. Touch stops feeling neutral or giving, and starts feeling like a question, or a request. Affectionate touch can feel like pressure to respond in a certain way. So even when your partner’s intention is merely to connect with you, or show love, your nervous system may already be bracing in expectation. 

Why would you brace at the thought of sex, though?

Well there are many reasons, but in somatic inquiry with my clients (processes I use that tap into the the wisdom of the body) these insights arise most often:

Sex has become a chore, or demanded of you (this can be real or perceived) 

Sex feels like an activity you have to perform, that you may not ‘get it right’, or ‘fail’ at (in true intimacy we can never ‘fail’)

Sexual intimacy might not be something you want as you don’t get much joy from it (pleasure discrepancy)

Or because the effort it takes to have pleasure isn’t worth it (effort discrepancy) 

Sex is something you don’t feel you have time for AND yet sex feels like you are being rushed or the pace is too fast for you (these points tell me the client may need help with nervous system regulation)

It can be that you subconsciously feel that your partner is using your body to discharge their stress (not a good reason to be enjoying intimacy- self pleasure to relieve stress is far less damaging for your relationship) 

The manner in which your partner touches you doesn’t feel right, it feels grabby, or so light it’s annoying

Sex hurts and you haven’t spoken up about it, discovered or explained what you need to make it feel good.

Sexual touch feels exhausting, or you quickly become tired (also nervous system related, it’s not always from being tired though, it can also be a freeze response from past trauma showing up in the body) 

If you’re also someone who gives a lot physically during the day, especially as a parent, carer, or emotional support person, there can be very little capacity left for more contact by the time you’re with your partner.

The desire for connection might still be there, but the body is already at capacity.

Imbalances in initiation is something nearly all couples I work with raise as a point of concern. So many men say they just crave their female partner to be the one to start intimacy, as it makes them feel wanted, as well as takes the pressure of rejection off them.

It’s worth considering that women have been conditioned from early childhood to think they can only ‘receive sex’ and that initiating is both a ‘man’s job’ and that wanting sex and asking for it is slutty, gross or overly masculine. We are rarely aware of the extent of our conditioning.

Then there’s the way sex is often initiated in long relationships. Not clearly and directly, but through gestures that are open to interpretation. A lingering kiss or a playful grab could mean affection, or could mean expectation. When the body can’t read the intention, it tends to stay guarded.

In a relationship where one partner is initiating, and getting turned down, he will often resort to playful and silly, light hearted advances like ‘honking’ at her breasts or cheekily sliding his hand between her thighs. Of all the ways to initiate, the ‘joke touch’ is especially irritating to women as it seems very immature, and indeed it can be the guy’s younger self showing up in that moment as a protective strategy to avoid the pain of rejection.

And then of course, sometimes there are quieter layers underneath the aversion to touch: resentment that hasn’t been spoken or worked through, distrust, old wounds that haven’t healed, emotional distance that hasn’t been addressed, or a sense of carrying more than your share. In men especially, a shutdown to touch may happen when they feel attacked, undermined or disrespected. The body will often expresses those things before the mind does, or instead of having the hard conversations. 

The bristle reaction isn’t a conscious rejection of your partner. It’s a response to how touch has come to feel in your system.

What softens the bristle reaction it is not trying harder to be affectionate, and not pushing yourself to tolerate touch you don’t actually feel safe with. More, it is about changing the meaning of touch again.

That usually starts with bringing back physical contact that has no destination. Holding hands, leaning against each other, hugging without it being a prelude to anything. Touch that is allowed to simply be touch.

It is important that while, yes, intimacy is a vital part of most romantic sexual relationships, we do not owe our partners our body just because they desire it. Our individual erotic drive is ours to own and be responsible for. This is super important for couples to realise in times of desire discrepancy and really signifies maturity in sexuality.

It helps when desire is spoken, instead of hinted at. When words carry the initiation, touch no longer has to do that job. The body can relax because it knows where things stand. Clear communication is just so important, as yes it takes practice to get right.

And it helps when couples talk honestly about how touch actually lands in their body, being honest without blame or judgement. I use Betty Martin’s amazing Wheel of Consent and 3 minute game to help this communication of how each partner wants to touch and be touched.

The bristle reaction doesn’t disappear overnight. But it does ease as the body relearns that closeness can feel spacious. When the nervous system gets what it needs to stay regulated, and not go into a subtle protection mode.

If you recognise yourself in this, you’ve not got something ‘wrong’ with you. You’re not cold and uncaring. Nor does it mean you’re no longer in love with your partner. Your body is responding to experience, wired into your system. Bodies, when they’re met with clarity and care, are remarkably able to soften.

If you are experiencing the bristle reaction, or even a stronger aversion to sex and intimacy, I encourage you to book in for my free initial consultation via: https://heiditrueschedule.as.me/initial-call

In this 30 minute discovery call I can show you how I work and you can ask the questions you need, to see if we are the right match to work together. I work with women and individually, and as couples, via Zoom or in person.