The Hidden Rules That Quietly Ruin Sex

The stories we carry about sex shape how we love and relate — and without realising it, they can dull our passion and keep us from the intimacy we crave.

Most of us inherited ideas about sex long before we ever experienced it. They came from movies, religion, porn, friends, our families, and the culture around us. We absorbed them quietly, believing they were truth. But many of these beliefs are myths — and they limit not just how we have sex, but how we connect, feel, and express ourselves.

Here are some of the hidden “rules” that quietly ruin our pleasure — and the truths that set us free.

Sex = penetration

Anything else in the bedroom is so often seen as ‘foreplay’ or incomplete, instead of being full and valid sex. This is deeply patriarchal and phallocentric.

You must feel strong desire before you start being intimate

This ignores responsive desire — arousal often grows once we begin, especially for women. Finding out what arouses you is key. If you wait for desire, you’ll find you rarely become intimate. I often say, “You don’t have to feel like it, you only need be open to wanting it,” in relation to sexual intimacy.

Orgasms are the goal

This script creates pressure to perform and ‘finish,’ instead of savouring the journey. Sex with this goal often feels rushed, transactional — and can become boring.

Both partners must orgasm every time

Turns intimacy into a scoreboard rather than a shared experience. We have potential for so much pleasure — undulating waves of subtle sensation — and orgasm is only one aspect of sexual intimacy.

Erections must be hard and last

This reduces male sexuality to performance, creating anxiety and disconnection. There’s so much mutual pleasure that can be explored without a hard-on.

Women should orgasm from penetration alone

Most women need clitoral stimulation. Ignoring this can fuel shame or a sense of being ‘broken.’ Remember, a woman’s clitoris is physiologically analogous to a penis — so expecting pleasure from penetration alone is like tugging on testicles and expecting fireworks.

It’s over once he’s come

For many women, the deepest orgasms happen after his climax. Men are like microwaves — quick to heat up and then ding. Women are like slow cookers — we take time to warm, but can stay simmering for hours. Understanding arousal patterns is key to good, ongoing sex. Isn’t it time men learned to match women’s arousal patterns instead of women always having to rush or force their way into pleasure?

The best sex is when you climax together

Sounds romantic, but often leads to rushing or forcing arousal. True connection happens in presence, not perfect timing.

Climax and orgasm are the same thing

They’re not. Climax is a sharp peak and drop-off. Orgasm can move in waves — subtle or strong — that expand through the body, especially for women (and for men who’ve learned to separate ejaculation from orgasm).

Touching yourself during partnered intimacy means your partner isn’t ‘getting it right’

If you’ve got a hand free and stimulating another part of your body feels good, then do it! It can really help you stay present, connect sensations for blended orgasms, and wire your brain for new pleasure.

Real sex is spontaneous, never planned

Intentional time for intimacy can be deeply nourishing. Knowing there’s a hot date in the bedroom coming up can help you get in the mood. Scheduling intimacy saves many couples from growing apart.

Men should always want sex

This pressures men to ignore stress, fatigue, or emotional needs — often leading to performance anxiety, disinterest, or premature ejaculation. Men are human too, and men’s sexuality is also complex and highly individual.

Men want sex more than women

We’re told men want sex more, and enjoy it more. In truth, women are often more in tune with their bodies and may feel deeper pleasure than many men. Once women learn to stay present in their bodies, multiple orgasms are achievable. This myth distorts intimacy and reinforces imbalance for everyone. We are ALL capable of so much more pleasure than we realise.

Women should be the gatekeepers of sex

Reinforces patriarchal dynamics. Both sides of the couple need to be aware of their role in initiating and rejecting intimacy — and the effects this has on their relationship. True sexual connection comes from consent, communication, and mutual desire, not control.

Good sex means wild passion every time

Doesn’t allow slow, tender, curious, playful, or awkward connection. Sex isn’t performance, it’s presence.

Talking about sex kills the mood

Actually, it’s sexy as hell. Talking about what you love, what you want, and how it feels builds both safety and anticipation. Checking in during sex doesn’t ruin the moment — it deepens it. Communication is its own lubricant.

Using toys means something is wrong

Toys enhance exploration and pleasure, or help with common sexual issues that may arise with age, illness, stress or busy lifestyles.. They’re tools for curiosity and connection, not markers of failure.

If you don’t orgasm, sex was a failure

The orgasm imperative dismisses the pleasure, connection and intimacy shared. This goes for both women and men — all of us can have fulfilling sex and intimacy without orgasm. It’s great to communicate this if orgasm isn’t a pressing goal in the moment.

You must be confident and skilled to be sexy

This script doesn’t allow for the vulnerability and beauty of discovering each other with curiosity and wonder. Great sex thrives in curiosity and wonder, not a polished performance.

Sex should look like porn or romance movies

Unrealistic bodies, reactions, and roles. Porn is entertainment, not a guide. It’s entertainment designed to keep you engaged, so the pacing is fast and the intensity exaggerated. Porn reinforces many of the imperatives above and below that hold us back from thriving in intimacy.

Routine scripts always work

Relying on formulaic sequences gets stale. Just because the ‘kiss → oral → missionary → doggy → done’ formula has worked before doesn’t mean it always makes for great sex. Routine scripts can be boring, and tend to go hand in hand with the imperative to ‘have to climax’. Novelty and curiosity can keep intimacy fresh and alive.

You should always be ‘in the mood’

Desire naturally ebbs and flows. Hormones, stress, busyness and connection affect it. This is normal.

If you love someone, sex will be easy and natural

Good sex depends on nervous system regulation and emotional safety, with trauma, conditioning, ease in your body and skills- all factors that inhibit intimacy too. Great sex is not just about being in love.

If your partner declines sex, it doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you

Not being in the mood can have so many layers — exhaustion, timing, boredom, or emotional distance. Sometimes it’s about them not having their touch or intimacy needs met, or having grown used to that over time, so desire begins to fade. It can also come from sex feeling like a duty rather than a shared pleasure, from being rushed or pushed, or from not feeling emotionally safe. And often, it’s because their own pleasure hasn’t truly been accessed in a long while, so it starts to feel like too much effort for too little reward. In an otherwise healthy relationship it’s rarely about attraction itself. More often, it’s the weight of old scripts and unmet needs that quietly dulls desire.

Men are visual, women are emotional

Both genders can experience both visual and/or emotional arousal. I see just as many male clients who need emotional connection and nervous system regulation to fully give and receive in intimacy.

You should know what your partner wants without asking

Even after decades together, assumptions kill curiosity and create pressure.

If she’s wet, she’s ready

Lubrication doesn’t always equal readiness. It’s actually engorgement of the vulva and entrance to the vagina that may signify arousal, looking and feeling puffed up- all that female erectile tissue being filled with blood (just like a penis)

AND just as an erection doesn’t always mean a man is aroused, wetness doesn’t necessarily mean she’s aroused. This idea of (for want of a far better word) ‘foreplay’ being something to do to get her ‘ready’ is HIGHLY FLAWED. And women really need to take this on too! Get to know your body. Speak your needs. In most cases, for women, if it doesn’t feel amazing, you’re not fully aroused. Men and women alike need to check in, communicate, and move at the body’s pace.

If you need lube, something’s wrong

Using a (quality) lubricant is totally normal and advised — especially in peri and post-menopause, in the days after your period, when under stress, dehydrated, or on certain medications. And definitely for those long bouts of marathon love making (my fave). Lube means comfort and pleasure, not dysfunction. Did you know that using lube is said to increase sensation 10 fold? Especially when getting started in intimacy. And when using condoms it’s a MUST, as the vagina can get very irritated from the friction of penetrative sex.

You shouldn’t self-pleasure if you’re in a relationship

We need to meet our own pleasure needs and not expect our partner to be the only one who fulfils them. We all have our own unique erotic rhythm — and solo pleasure supports partnered pleasure. This is the way we get to know what works! For women in particular, keeping the coals glowing with regular self touch means for higher desire, easier arousal and stronger orgasm. (Sure, if you’re self-pleasuring at the expense of connecting with your partner, something’s up with your dynamic, and I suggest reaching out for some help.)

Kink, role play, or fantasy means you’re damaged or weird

This idea pathologises erotic diversity, instead of celebrating imagination and consent. Consensual kink with good communication can be healing, empowering, or just plain fun! Remember, sex is how adults play!

Fantasies are things you want to do in real life

Fantasies live in the imagination, and their purpose isn’t always to become reality. They can be playful, erotic, taboo, or even impossible — and still be completely valid. Fantasies allow exploration of desire, curiosity, and pleasure in a safe space, without needing to act them out.

If you’ve been together a long time, sex will fade

Sex only fades when curiosity and emotional intimacy do. If you settle for crumbs, you get crumbs. Keeping a vibrant, active sex life is as much about the rest of your relationship as what happens in the bedroom. Sex will, and should, change in accordance with the seasons of your life together.

After childbirth, your sexuality should bounce back quickly

This invalidates the profound physical, hormonal and emotional changes of motherhood. Honour this time and don’t force yourself or your partner — go slow and be ready to adjust what sex and intimacy might include for you both.

After having a baby, sex is never as good

Sex can improve at any life stage — after babies, menopause, or other transitions — with care, focus, and intention.

Purity equals worthiness

This old script disconnects pleasure from goodness, embedding shame and fear. It is deeply damaging and unnecessary.

Women’s pleasure doesn’t matter as much as men’s

This one runs deep — it’s an inheritance from centuries of patriarchal conditioning and religious shame. It’s the reason so many women fake orgasms, disconnect from their bodies, or settle for sex that’s ‘fine’ but not fulfilling.
And alongside it, we have that myth that women are ‘less sexual’ than men.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
When women are supported to feel safe, relaxed, and free from pressure, their erotic energy is limitless. Pleasure is not a male domain — it’s a human birthright.

Remembering what’s true

Sex isn’t a performance. It’s a conversation between two people (or more — if that’s your style). Intimacy grows and changes as you focus on it.

When we start letting go of the old rules about how sex should be, we can finally tune in to what’s actually happening. Desire arrives when it arrives. Arousal builds naturally in its own time. Pleasure can show up in ways you didn’t expect. And intimacy starts to feel alive in a way that’s real and entirely human — maybe even messy and new.

I truly believe that ultimately, there’s only one imperative that really matters — the Pleasure Imperative.

Emily Nagoski, well-known sex educator and author, has said it perfectly: pleasure is the measure. It isn’t about how it looks, how long it lasts, or how anyone performs. It’s about what feels good, and how it feels to be fully present in your own body and with your partner.

If you’re ready to explore what it would feel like to let these scripts go, I can help. Whether it’s individually, so you can reconnect to your own pleasure and desire, or as a couple, to revamp your sexual connection so it thrives through the changes life throws at you — we can do that together.

Book in for your free initial chat via: https://heiditrueschedule.as.me/initial-call